drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
