Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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