You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
