Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
