You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
