if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
