he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
