My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
