She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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