You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
this hospital has no fireball
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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