When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
