did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize