Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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