When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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