were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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