FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
