If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
