just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
