His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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