Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
