I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
