OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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