so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
