She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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