I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
The Olympian is in my bed
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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