last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
