for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
