I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
