I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
