Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
