I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Actions speak louder than pants.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
