I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
