i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
one might say we're banned from that church
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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