i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I need a beard to bite.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
