Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
