Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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