I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I don't deserve a penis
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I have already put on my inside pants.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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