Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
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