I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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