You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
