you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
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