Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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