Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
