In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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