ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
