Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
