so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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