Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
