Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
