His pubic hair was longer than his dick
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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