Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
my penis made a compromise with my morals
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
