It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
