omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
