why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
There's even glitter on my cock...
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