1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
