i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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