Soap is not a condiment
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
