So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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