I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
