If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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